What did I get from a lifetime of experiences like the one’s I’ve been writing about in my set of Medium Series’ ‘The Long Road’? Understanding, perspective, empathy, acceptance of differences, humility, kindness, insight, perception, ferocity, relentlessness, a deep seeded hunger for more, a solid unwavering groundedness, a confidence that nothing is insurmountable, strength, tenderness, a hair trigger reaction time for situations that ‘feel’ wrong, forgiveness, an all-consuming gratitude for the good times, childlike joy, a seemingly never ending supply of positivity, boldness and shyness at the same time, a sort of vibrational hyper sensitivity, an ever present sorrow, awareness, inclusion, low tolerance for fuckery, self-empowerment, self confidence and doubt in equal measure, disregard for authority while being respectful. A knowing that comes from my very core that no matter what happens, there is a way through, even though the floor of the lowness must first be felt and rested on.
I may have never been raped, but I know the feeling of helplessness and the feeling that I’d lost ownership of my body.
I may not be Gay, but I know what it feels like to be rejected for ‘who I am’ and being judged and sectionalised for something just due to a lack of understanding. To feel accepted in a group of people but only because they don’t know ‘all’ of me.
I know what it’s like to be in a room full of people who ‘know’ and ‘like’ me, but still feel completely different and lonely.
I know what it’s like to be taken advantage of but accept it because I could see it was getting me one tiny step toward where I was headed.
I know what it’s like to stand at the front door and need to take a deep breath before stepping out. I know what it’s like to then follow that up by smashing a day out then when I close the door behind me at home, collapse on the floor with nothing left in the tank.
I know what it’s like to be the most desirable person in the room, but then also to feel like a leper no one wants to touch.
I know what it’s like to have $5 to last me 2 weeks, but then also what it’s like to have so much money I didn’t know what to do with it all but feel no happier.
I have felt more rested after 3 days awake than after a full night of dream filled slumber.
I know what it’s like to feel helpless and hopeless but have to stand up and face whatever it is that comes at me anyway.
I know what it’s like to feel like I’m not getting anywhere after extensive effort but to keep running anyway, fuelled by the faint hope there’s a destination worth reaching.
I’ve felt isolated and lonely beside my dearest but then feel completely cradled by the beat of a song.
I know what it’s like to feel a deep raging anger inside but have no one to aim it at. All I could do was stand a stare at the mirror and feel the rage pour from my eyes into my reflection and feel that shit out so I could front up the next day with some resemblance of normality.
I’ve felt a nuclear bomb of rage within me while I passed tenderness through my fingertips to someone who needed it. You can comfort the sorrow of others at the same time as being enraged by the cause of their pain. Tender and fierce in equal measure, a powerful combination.
I’ve played music to a crowd and had them disappear while I was absorbed by the sound of my own creation. Then have them all come back when I opened my eyes. But then with the very next song, felt all their eyes boring holes into me.
I have felt an urgency and an internal call to action after yet another of my ‘people’ fell to the despair and left us, but then felt completely lost as to what to do first, second or third. Powerless.
I’ve felt totally gangster listening to music in my kitchen while cutting up ‘nearly off’ strawberries for freezing, then take some of them to my elderly neighbour because I had too many.
I have felt completely alone, I have felt deep despair, I have felt like my heart would just stop beating. But then I have also felt heard with a glance and a silent company that knows no details but just ‘gets it’, salt of the earth soul people.
I have felt a success that I never thought was possible and well beyond my wildest dreams, but only on the back of a very long string of hard earned failures, falls and periods of stagnancy.
I have looked straight in the eyes of the one I loved and know I was being lied to but loved them anyway.
I have felt the deep confusion and self doubt that comes from well crafted emotional manipulation.
I have felt complete and utter elation at someone else’s victory because I felt the effort that was behind it and it gave me hope.
I have known exactly what someone is feeling from the look in their eyes.
I’ve had the hair on the back of my neck stand up on end just by seeing a man’s mannerisms when with children, instantly. I can smell it.
I have memories that appear only as colours, and others as only smells.
I have felt completely accepted despite my differences and very much at home.
I’ve been lucky enough to see the very moment during a conversation when the despair drains from a person’s face and is replaced by hope.
I have also felt completely loved, at home, warm, understood, cradled and comforted by a near stranger.
I have felt completely comfortable and in love for years, felt a part of something bigger, only to have it all fall apart.
I have loved the right people and the wrong ones too. I have spent precious time on those who didn’t deserve it and ignored others who really did.
I have felt betrayed and rejected right down to my centre.
Basically, I have lived, loved and lost but come out the end with way more than I started with and a limitless potential that has only been partially cashed in. Immeasurable wealth in soul assets.
Please take courage in this and know that anything is possible from any position, you are not alone and never have been. We all need reminding from time to time.
All the love,